Can I tell you why? The Birthday Project continues...

This month has been quite the adventure.  I am almost to 20 out of 42 on my "good deeds" or "pay it forward moments" for my 42nd birthday.  Here are a few things I have learned:
  
1.  Some people will not take a free gift.  I have watched strangers pass up a free popcorn taped to the Redbox, quarters in a baggie taped to the vending machine, and offers of help from a friendly red head.  

2.  The people who I have been the most apprehensive about approaching with offers of help (they looked kinda grumpy) have ended up being the friendliest towards me.

3.  The hardest thing has been to offer grace to those that are closest to me.

I am sure those three points are just screaming for a sermon, because to me it all points to the gospel of grace, however I need to think on that for a bit before I write.

What I have gotten the most often though is the question "why".  Why am I doing this?  Why did I pick them?  My first response is, "why not?"   But then as I hear myself explaining how I saw this on a blog back in January and committed to myself I would do it in July, or how I am paying forward what someone has done for me, etc.  I know that those are not really the reasons.  

Here's the reason:  I am worn.  Worn out.  Overwhelmed with the cares of this world.  Cynical.  My prayers are stale.  My heart grows cold.  I lose my sense of wonder.  I don't think I am the only one.  
Nursing school has been one of the hardest things I have ever done.  Yes, I thought I knew how hard it would be, and how I would lose my life over to it...and I did all the time management tricks I could think of.  And we survived physically.  What I didn't expect or guard against was my own defenses against the things I saw on clinicals, the deaths, the suffering, the loss of daily function, and the weariness set in.  I was reminded of my son, Chandler, when he was in second grade.  He told his teacher he had "lost his joy".  She told him she happened to know a little bit about joy, and that she knew it was up to him to find it! ha!  Good lesson for a seven year old.  Good lesson for a 41 (almost 42) year old.  
So I get my dream job (still makes me smile), I graduate, I pass state boards that say I am now a registered nurse.  I should have my joy, right?  Nope.  I am telling you, I am worn.  But I do know I had to find it again.  How gracious was God to show me back in January the very thing He knew I would need in July?  

I Peter 4:10 says " Each one should use whatever gift he has received to serve others, faithfully administering God's grace in its various forms".  
So that is what I have been intentional about this month.  Showing God's grace in its various forms.  Some days that has taken the form of a word of encouragement, a note of thanks, a helping hand.  Other days it has taken the form of choosing to show grace to someone who has hurt my feelings, or holding my tongue.  

My encouragement to my worn friends is this:  Look for ways to serve.  It's something we all can do, regardless of race, religion, denomination, creed, sexual preference, culture, marital status.  Whether you have lost your joy or never had it to lose.  Don't trust me on this.  Trust the One who loves you enough to make us this way.

This song.  This song has been my prayer this month.  And God has been faithful.  He has let me see a song can rise from the ashes of a broken life.  He has reminded me that He does make all things new.  Here's the lyrics. 

Worn (Tenth Avenue North)
 
I know I need To lift my eyes up
But I'm too weak, Life just won't let up
And I know that You can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn

I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
Cause I'm worn

And my prayers are wearing thin
I'm worn. even before the day begins
I'm worn. I've lost my will to fight
I'm worn, so heaven come and fill my eyes

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn

I want to know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
Yes all that's dead inside will be reborn
Though I'm worn.


Know my prayers are for you tonight.  - Mel